He is honest, reliable, and sincere. You are so stupid, get some real hobbies.. FIONA SAYS: It's never too late to change patterns so long as he's willing. I camped. If your daughter has seen you and your husband arguing or otherwise being unhappy together, she may start to feel like she needs to choose sides. Well, I feel like I may offer a different perspective on this. Mother of a Fangirl. Just like if she says like every other word someone needs to point that out and keep pointing it out until she does something about it. Im going to disagree here, Wendy, and say that I think your response is filtered through your own happy, loving experience. I firmly believe that there is no such thing as reading too much. My best friend is in that episode! The comments seem to be about split on this issue. It is as if some hidden combination of childhood trauma and life experience made them terrified to owe their partners anything. As a result, she may start to rebel and act out, which can eventually drive her away from her family. They do need the help of their partners to learn to love in this new way. He did research and found these beautiful Gotz dolls for my sister and I. It is best to talk with a counselor or therapist if you believe there is serious dysfunction in your marriage. Encouraging both of them to try more and be respectful would be a good start. Its that shes finding she doesnt always like her dad. I would call that well-rounded. Just because you dont like Buffy and have introduced a bunch of facts that dont exist in the letter (your comment below about what the dad has been putting up with for years!?!) But no amount of time spent is going to make an experience with someone who doesnt really respect you as you are more enjoyable. Dont you think that much of parenting is ramming things down their throat. And lets face itthe daughter is about to become a teenager. I wonder, though, if it would seem less like forcing if maybe the mother and father both liked to camp? Here are eight ways to tell if your partner is harming your relationships with your family. You know what, I thought you were going to lay in hard when I first started reading, and I was thinking to myself Oh fuck, hes going to hit on all her worst innermost thoughts and shes just going to run screaming away from DW but frankly, I think you are completely right. But if she IS uninformed, then its good for him to point it out and provide her with ways to become informed. He leaves at 5:00 a.m. every morning to support me and our children. But he never stopped trying, and even if I was a brat, he still acted like an adult and never sunk to my level. Why are we judging other peoples interests? Did we always get along? lets_be_honest Before the 12 year was born. By all accounts this 12 year old has healthy, varied, age-appropriate interests and Im not sure why dad cant serve a little honey with his vinegar. July 2, 2013, 11:57 am. My husband and I have been together for seven years and married for three. I definitely DONT think my experience and this familys are similar. lets_be_honest A talk with your husband about encouraging ALL of her interests (NOT belittling them) and being her own person is crucial at this age. But are there REALLY that many teen girls into Star Trek? only in his mind is one of the most well-written and saddest things ever produced on television. Lastly, he should NEVER tell his daughter that things she likes annoy him. lets_be_honest Its not his thing, and as an adult I respect that (now the two of us nerd out talking about law related stuff since I just got my J.D. He is also very critical of both of us, but particularly of her lack of competitiveness (she hates team sports, and takes archery and piano but only for fun), lack of initiative, and being uninformed, to the extent that he gives her assignments, like reading articles from National Geographic and discussing them with him, which, of course, she resents. I still find it hysterical that they incorporated a rivalry between Tim and Bob Vila in that show. We watched Eureka last year and our daughter loved it and talked about it with her friends. Hold on there, NKOTB are STILL awesome! July 2, 2013, 4:12 pm, See, I think that is horrible of your stepfather. They loved the entire concept and they loved the show. I really dont think this situation falls entirely on the husband. WOW! Awesome show full of information. Theres forcing your kids to do something outside of their comfort zone, normal range of interests which I am ok with and then theres refusing to listen to music in the car EVER? They wouldnt do that, would they? No, but we went, because thats how we spent time together- projects and DIY fixes. Awesome post, Wendy The whole time reading the letter I was feeling a bit sorry for the dad, but mostly in the sense of Wow, sucks for him that hes such a big fat pain in the ass and no one likes him. Then I read your response and realized even if he is a pain in the ass, Mom has lots to work on too. Awesome. Should A Parent Love Their Child More Than Their Spouse? That was what I meant about finding articles that the daughter would be interested in at first. July 2, 2013, 11:40 am. And not just to me and your husband. The problem is, he's never been able to relate to them and, even when he does talk with them, he causes an argument or upsets them. Jake O'Kane: Is the DUP really going to sink the Assembly and reject the Windsor Framework? Instead of a camping trip they could go for a bike ride together, with a friend, or walk a trail in a local park. Camping? lemongrass Definitely. When combined with the eye rolling and disparaging, that all adds up to he isnt joking about it. Ive been following you for years and while I dont always agree with your answers I think this was the most misguided and off the mark. I think it still disappoints him that I dont enjoy it, and havent watched it all. Im peace-ing out. Absolutely. My dad would also try to do things we liked. That made me feel really loved and gave me a sense of confidence that is so, so important in a young girl (well, anyone, really). I think This Old House was all overbut only we know Miss Judy. July 2, 2013, 12:57 pm. How does an interest in science and creativity equal boring? Team sports, outdoorsy, tomboyish stuff. And totally agreed on the book front. You are actually the only other person not from Scranton that has known what the show was! The Inner Light Seriously. Your confidence in yourself as a reasonable and intelligent human being may have rapidly diminished. The fact that you cant appreciate the beauty of T-Swifts prose is mildly concerning. But no amount of time spent is going to make an experience with someone who doesnt really respect you as you are more enjoyable. His dad was hyper critical that my boyfriend was interested in computers and cello, not hunting and fishing. It stated in the letter that the daughter does try to be accommodating. We were forced to have shockingly good table manners and we shook hands with adults from the age of three. How do I say this to her without hurting her feelings? So insightful! He does not say that to her but expresses it to me. I hated, and still do, all of those things. My husband is a HUGE Firefly fanboy. I generally agree with Wendy, but would add that LW should talk to her husband about the critical view hes taking of his daughters hobbies, the escalating fights between him and the daughter and his way of interrupting conversations between LW and her daughter that annoy him. Seriously, have you heard their new stuff? if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[120,600],'therelationshipnotes_com-mobile-leaderboard-1','ezslot_16',128,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-mobile-leaderboard-1-0');if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[120,600],'therelationshipnotes_com-mobile-leaderboard-1','ezslot_17',128,'0','1'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-mobile-leaderboard-1-0_1');.mobile-leaderboard-1-multi-128{border:none!important;display:block!important;float:none!important;line-height:0;margin-bottom:15px!important;margin-left:auto!important;margin-right:auto!important;margin-top:15px!important;max-width:100%!important;min-height:600px;padding:0;text-align:center!important}If your daughter is still young, she may not be ready to see you with anyone other than her biological father. July 3, 2013, 3:53 am, Music or even musical pop icons was, curiously, NEVER mentioned specifically by the LW. a truly horrible driver. Perhaps the dad needs his own assignments on theater, literature and pop culture? When I was a kid, my mom was always kind of a dick about going to see my dads family, so it was usually just him and me. Then he said he was going out to watch the game at a bar because he needed time alone, and that hed be home in a couple of hours. (My parents zydeco phase was an odd one.) I finally watched Firefly for the first time last night with my bf who has been begging me to watch it with him. THIS is the problem, not the fact that a 12-year-old girl likes 12-year-old girl things. I just told her she wasnt allowed to ramble off all the names of plants/flowers unless I specifically ask as I really dont care (it would be like me telling her sports stats all day). On the other side, my sister hates sports and has ZERO in common with my dad and I would say prefers my mom to him. But his way is tearing them apart, to the point where she and I look forward to him traveling so we wont have to tiptoe around him. No, it may not be the precise thing hes interested in, but you cant just share an interest with someone by demanding it. Shes driving me crazy and I dont know how long I can take it.. What To Do When Your Partner and Daughter Dont Get Along? By not actively encouraging your daughter to spend time with her father, even if it means doing things she may not actively be interested in, you keep her from being the full person she could be. My dad actually doesnt have a whole lot of interests, and if he does, he doesnt like them enough to pursue them. But the dad is giving the kid homework? . Um, no. Making your kids do shit they dont necessarily like a lot is just life. I really think there might be a way for dad and daughter to meet in the middle here. If anything, his dislike for it will help it belong to her more fully as she learns to separate herself from her parents. Lily in NYC By myself, though. Be happy that your daughter has a father who wants to be involved in her life. I never did the gross stuff either. So theres no harm in him humoring her while it lasts (& for gods sake, letting her play a couple One Direction songs or whatever in the car). Look, I had a great relationship with my dad. I honestly think both parents are at fault. I planned everything exactly the way he liked and it went down just like I thought it would. You sometimes got what you needed but not what you expected in unpredictable moments that made no sense. I even managed to convince him to watch Firefly (he loves Jayne. It sounds like she and her daughter just happen to share the same interests. If both parents are making an effort to connect, I think 12 is an acceptable age to understand that things arent always about you, and sometimes we do things for other people just because we love the person if not the activity. We and our partners use cookies to Store and/or access information on a device. My father did not appreciate the pop culture stuff and always reminded me that I was smarter than this. I used to whine like crazy when my dad tried to teach me about cars or home improvement, or talk about politics. FOR the past four months, my friend has been chasing a guy at college. It could be something as silly as him walking into the kitchen when theyre talking and him jokingly saying something like Theres my two girls talking about Buffy again! and rolling his eyes. However, he also needs to learn to compromise. But I also honestly think that the husband/dad might not be such a jerk face if he wasnt 100% put on the back burner. The Golden Rule for all intimate relationships is just as relevant in this situation: No matter how good your intention or how deeply you care for your partner, dont keep participating in interactions that create frustration and emotional distance. 1. Theres something to be said for respecting other peoples interests and personalities. Essie I think you are looking at this through your own pov. I was just trying to say basically the same thing, but it got all garbled. One activity we all enjoyed!!!! 1. Who knows? Think "he's a big boy" "He's a grown man. Spyglassez Okay, maybe I wouldnt want my 12 to read that) they could go to a history museum that has exhibits about the War of the Tudors that partially inspired the novels. July 2, 2013, 12:04 pm, If shes expected to learn to take an interest in HIS hobbies, its fair that the same be expected of him every so often.. Can Someone Else Drive My Car? | American Family Insurance - amfam.com Others see him as a bully and a hole. My dad said to me that the best thing you can do as a parent is expose your kid to all of their options and let them decide from there. He needs to make some fundamental changes to his behaviour. Most passive aggressive folks have two things in common: 1. You dont always have to act like a 12 year old girl in her presence. Ive always found board games to be boring and so does my daughter. Do you think he liked listening to my fangirlish squees? This time is precious and its fleeting, and its understandable that you want to be well, greedy with it. I wanted to spend more time with him so he took me golfing with him early in the morning, even though I didnt know how to play. Whether it be balance sports with history, Buffy with science, it doesnt matter. lets_be_honest The things she listed that her daughter is into isnt mindless pop culture. But he always treated me like an adult and respected and loved me and I think he had a huge hand in making me a pretty confident 24 year old woman and I know what I want and deserve from boyfriends. They Dont Want Their Marriage To End Up Like Yours, 4. bittergaymark First and foremost, of course, is the safety of your children. Finally, try to model the behavior you want to see from your husband and daughter. Respect the boundaries and, as far as possible, learn to relax and take refuge on your side of the fence. Even if they like different kinds of books (fantasy vs. history, for example), if they both like to read, Dad can take her to Barnes & Noble and buy her a novel and a cup of coffee. Does he like the 80s music? July 2, 2013, 12:33 pm, Finding out the music my parents listened to opened up my eyes to who they used to be. Belittling her favorite things will only cause more resentment and make her even less likely to want to spend time with him. My free advice e-newsletter, Heroic Love, shows you how to avoid the common pitfalls that keep people from finding and keeping romantic love. Ive been there. I Want to Divorce My Unbelievably Selfish Husband - Slate Magazine What to Do If Your Child's Behavior Is Ruining Your - Lifehacker temperance Yet, while lamenting that they are not closer, he simply refuses to engage with her on these subjects. Please do try to give the same gift to your daughter. Addie Pray Crazy-makers often give up the love they most desperately need when they feel any sense of an obligatory payback. Encourage her to have fun with him. So, yes, encourage your daughter to take an interest what your husband likes. How Psychologically Conditioned Rats Are Defusing Landmines, 7 Ticking Time Bombs That Destroy Loving Relationships, The Single Best (and Hardest) Thing to Give Up, 3 Ways to Reclaim Your Hope and Happiness. If a father is not present in his daughters life, she may feel neglected and unloved. I agree weddings can be stupid . All these behaviors contribute to the problem and are probably making the daughter less inclined to spend time with him. Seriously, the concept of the Q is what puts me on the agnostic end of atheism. Express appreciation in your husbands interests so that your daughter may learn to appreciate them or at least be curious about them too. July 3, 2013, 1:06 am, Honestly, no matter WHAT the mom was a fan of my response would have been the same. Im not saying that it is ok to be cruel because kids need to grow a thicker skin. What is ok depends on the temperment and personality of every child. July 2, 2013, 12:15 pm. This is exactly my experience, too. It took me a VERY long time to develop my own interests and become my own person I think youre right to encourage your daughter to be who she is and like what she likes. If he didnt care, then that would be more worrisome. I teach freshmen in college, and a lot of them are still Buffy fans. I would have been more open to doing different things if I wasnt told that there was something wrong or bad about the interests I did have. So, here is the thing. 15 Mother-In-Law Behaviors That Deserve a Punch in the Face - Scary Mommy Its full of teen girls going crazy for Star Trek. Is Your Partner Driving You Crazy? | Psychology Today When Spouses Disagree About Parenting - Positive Parenting I AM going to say, though, that they are a *substantial* part of why all of that happened. Saying his mom walked out because he hates him. Man, thinking about those early teenage years still strikes a nerve. However, its wife that wrote in. I think this is a great point. Manage Settings I tried to go fishing with my dad a few times when I was younger and it was the most boring thing on the planet. because I think that as the teen years progress you will need some better strategies to deal with the 2 strong personalities that surround you. You may need to have a conversation with your husband and daughter separately to get to the bottom of whats going on. This jealousy can manifest in destructive behavior, such as belittling his wife or trying to undermine her relationships with others. and hes an attorney, and Im sure the rest of the family wants to stab us). I read ahead in my history textbook during class because I liked it so much. Are any of these familiar to you? Here are just a couple of typical statements from people in relationships with crazy-making partners: Im really confused. But I wouldnt have done any of those things if my parents let me do what I wanted whenever I wanted. We watched Space Camp WAY too many times and tried astronaut ice cream together. My Spouse Verbally and Emotionally Abuses Our Children But he read the paper and talked about the articles, so I started reading the paper and talking about the articles. (And those are two things I didnt care for as a kid that I really like now.) Instead, hes insisting on discussing National Geographic articles via reading assignments then criticizes her afterword in escalating arguments. Make it easier for him to be his best self. My interests are pretty close to hers (and yours!) Additionally, she may worry that if you stay together, shell have to deal with the same unhappy marriage later on in her own life. If you want to bring about change in your family, though, you are going to have to get him to confront the fact that his behaviour is hurtful, destructive, and possibly even cruel. They clearly saw that parent as the good guy, and are unconsciously playing out the same part, unable to stop giving even when it cannot be reciprocated. Not seeing their daughters as people who can make good decisions. When they are able to see the. Youre right, though. Oh, and he thinks TV can actually teach somebody something more relevant than the fact that its both rather silly and stupid to be a Vampire Slayer Not too mention angst-filled. if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[320,100],'therelationshipnotes_com-leader-3','ezslot_14',135,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-leader-3-0');Here are some things you can do: Its not always easy to find the right balance between your spouse and your child, but it is possible. Ask the GP: Could taking statins affect your dreams? He just can't grasp the cost of a wedding. LW, your daughter sounds awesome. It may be up to this mom to protect her daughter, especially if the fights she describes keep getting worse. I would suggest planning outings for just your husband and your daughter maybe to an arcade, out to a movie, mini golf,etc so that they can spend time together by themselves. Neither father or daughter should make disparaging remarks about the other and you shouldnt make disparaging remarks about your husband. (Its not in the joking way, either, but in the Temperance never gets to choose another movie again way.). He may be uncomfortable talking about his feelings or sharing personal stories. Discuss that there are other things to talk about sure. July 15, 2013, 3:10 pm. Yeah, I think its going to be hard for her to get her husband to listen to her parent to parent if hes already being alienated. I actually found her on Facebook a few years ago, lol. He's always putting him down. Im not even saying all of the things listed are mature and intelligent, but that people can be smart and informed and still like these things. You may not see the rewards right away. Sorry but I dont understand why you married him. He never rolled his eyes at me or made me feel less because of what I liked. Theres making a light-hearted joke when something is spilled, and then there is telling your child that what makes her happy is stupid. Its every parents nightmare: watching their child drift away from them. Not knowing who the Beatles were, I thought it was something ABOUT beetles, and asked them Is it interesting? . Twin Flame & Soul Mate Guide, 22 Things You Should Know in Dating Latino Men: What To Expect, Dating Canadian Men: 22 Things You Should Know & What To Expect, Dating Australian Men: 22 Things You Should Know & What To Expect, Dating American Men: 22 Things You Should Know & What To Expect. See a different horoscope: Select I went through an accapella phase and a disney phase and a pop punk phase, a Growing pains phase, and on and on, and he rolled his eyes and helped me set the VCR, but wasnt willing to watch it.